As we approach the wind-down of another month - I want to thank all of you for
your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and
have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the
waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria
on the lemon peel.
I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last
person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has
happened on it since it was last washed..hmmmm
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the
number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how
many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a
public bathroom.
I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat crap
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000
that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their
special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for
me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.
I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice
with my kidneys gone.
I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks
with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo
on a hot day.
THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.
I no longer buy petrol without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial
killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are
atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different
types of cancer.
THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake
could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my
bum.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a Penny dropped in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to
grab me as I bend over.
I no longer drive my car because buying petrol from some companies supports Al
Qaeda, and buying petrol from all the others supports South American dictators.
I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin
Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second
husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .
Oh, by the way... A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail
with their hand on the mouse.
Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.
PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail
That water-mist splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.f
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