# In a New York restaurant:
Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.

# On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

# In the window of an Oregon general store:
Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?

# In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

# In the grounds of a private school:
No trespassing without permission.

# A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race:
Let's see who can go downhill the fastest

# Spotted in a safari park:
Elephants, please stay in your car.

# Outside a photographer's studio:
Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.

# Notice in health food shop window:
Closed due to illness.

# On a plumber's truck:
We repair what your husband fixed.

# On a maternity room door:
Push. Push. Push.

# At an optometrist's office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

# On a fence:
Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!

# Seen on a garbage truck:
Satisfaction guaranteed or double your trash back!

# On a church door:
This is the gate of heaven. Enter ye all by this door.
(This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side door.)

# Sign warning of quicksand:
Quicksand.
Any person passing this point will be drowned.
By order of the District Council.

# In an office:
After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.